Tech Ass

This ass owns every device, every app, and every gadget with a firmware update, and has still not figured out how to leave a voicemail. They will automate their entire home and then get locked out of it, in the rain, arguing with a doorbell. They speak fluent settings menu and zero human patience. The wifi is their kingdom, and its outage is a genuine grief event. They can build a spreadsheet that predicts the future and cannot, under any circumstances, find the photo they took nine seconds ago. Digitally native, practically doomed, and one software update away from total existential collapse. The future is here, and it does not work.