Clumsy Ass

Gravity woke up one day, saw this ass, and made it personal. They have tripped on flat ground, been defeated by a stationary chair, and worn more of every beverage than they have ever actually drunk. Corners find them. Doorframes have their number. They walk into a room and something ceramic quietly senses the end is near. It is not that they are careless. They are engaged in a lifelong physical feud with the universe, and the universe is undefeated and delighted. Bubble wrap was invented decades too early to save them. They never break a bone, only everything within reach. A walking act of God.