Certified Garmin Ass
"This individual does not experience reality directly. All sensations must first be processed through a $900 wrist computer and a questionable satellite connection. Pain is optional. Data is mandatory."
This ass does not feel tired. This ass consults the watch, which informs them whether they are tired, and they accept the ruling without appeal. Sensation has been outsourced. Pain is optional, but data is mandatory, streamed live from a nine-hundred-dollar oracle strapped to their wrist that knows their stress, their sleep, their readiness, and, spiritually, their worth. They do not run a route. They complete a dataset. If the satellites drop the signal, the run did not happen and the day is void. A cyborg in a cotton headband, entirely at peace, so long as the little screen keeps telling them exactly who they are.
Know someone who has earned the Certified Garmin Ass? Put them up for it.
